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Weird Al Yankovic lyrics Albuquerque lyrics Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait shop You know the place well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning My mother would make me a big bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast Awww - Big bowl of sauerkraut Every single mornin It wa driving me crazy I said to my mom I said "Hey, mom, what's with all the sauerkraut" And my dear, sweet mother She just looked at my like a cow looks at an oncoming train And she leaned right down next to me And she said "IT'S GOOD FOR YOU" And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was twenty six and a half years old That's when I swore that someday Someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer And the towels are oh so fluffy Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long And anyone on the street will glady shave your back for a nickel Wacka wacka doodoo yeah Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize That's right, a first class one-way ticket to Albuquerque Albuquerque Oh yeah You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before And I gotta tell ya, it was really great Except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts And the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore And, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died Except for me You know why 'Cause I had my tray table up And my seat back in the full upright position Had my tray table up And my seat back in the full upright position Had my tray table up And my seat back in the full upright position Ah ha ha ha Ah ha ha Ahhhh So I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days Draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag And my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball And my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel But finally I arived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn Where the towels are oh so fluffy And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna It's OK, they're clean Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C And I turned on the SpectraVision And I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow That I love so very, very much when suddenly, there's a knock on the door Well now, who could that be I say "Who is it" No answer "Who is it" There's no answer "WHO IS IT" They're not sayin' anything So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril Oh man, I hate it when I'm right So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel And I'm like "Hey, you can't have that" "That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me" And he's like "Tough" And I'm like "Give it" And he's like "Make me" And I'm like "'Kay" So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation Yes indeed, you better believe it And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook And twenty seconds later, I heard a farmiliar voice And you know what it said I'll tell you what it said It said "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again" "If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator" "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again" "If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator" In Albuquerque Albuquerque Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel But I made a a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice But first, I decided to buy some donuts So I got in my car and I drove over to the donut shop And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter And he says "Yeah, what do ya want" I said "You got any glazed donuts" He said "No, we're outta glazed donuts" I said "Well, you got any jelly donuts" He said "No, we're outta jelly donuts" I said "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts" He said "No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts" I said "You got any cinnamon rolls" He said "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls" I said "You got any apple fritters" He said "No, we're outta apple fritters" I said "You got any bear claws" He said "Wait a minute, I'll go check" "No, we're outta bear claws" I said "Well, in that case - in that case, what do you have" He says "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels" I said "OK, I'll take that" So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over (rabid gnawing sounds) Oh man, they were just going nuts They were tearin' me apart You know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started goin' through my head" I believe it went a little something like this . . . Doh Get 'em off me Get 'em off me Oh No, get 'em off, get 'em off Oh, oh God, oh God Oh, get 'em off me Oh, oh God Ah, (more screaming) I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face Wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin' Like a constipated weiner dog And as luck wouls have it, that's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams Her name was Zelda She was a caligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches I'll never forget the first thing she said to me. She said "Hey, you've got weasels on your face" That's when I knew it was true love We were inseperable after that Aw, we ate together, we bathed together We even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss The world was our burrito So we got married and we bought us a house And had two beautiful children - Nathaniel and Superfly Oh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah But then one fateful night, Zelda said to me She said "Sweetie pumpkin Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club" I said "Woah, hold on now, baby" "I'm just not ready for that kinda commitment" So we broke up and I never saw her again But that's just the way things go In Albuquerque Albuquerque Anyway, things really started lookin' upi for me Because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream That's right, I got me a part-time job at The Sizzler I even made employee of the month after I put that grease fire out with my face Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that I was gettin' a lot of attitude OK, like one time, I was out in the parking lot Tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil When I see this guy Marty tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself So I, I say to him, I say "Hey, you want me to help you with that" And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes "No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw" So I did And then he gets all indignant on me He's like "Hey man, I was just being sarcastic" Well, that's just great How was I supposed to know that I'm not a mind reader for cryin' out loud Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname - Torso-Boy So what's he complaining about Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote This guy comes up to me on the street and says he hasn't had a bit in three days Well, I knew what he meant But just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein And he's yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all over And I'm like "Hey, come on, don'tcha get it" But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming (screaming sounds) You know, just completely missing the irony of the whole situation Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know Anyway, um, um, where was I Kinda lost my train of thought Uh, well, uh, OK Anyway I, I know it's kinda been a roundabout way of saying it But I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is I hate sauerkraut That's all I'm really tryin' to say And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up And find yourself in an existential quandry Full of loathing and self-doubt And wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that Somewhere out there in this crazy mixed-up universe of ours There's still a little place called Albuquerque Albuquerque Albuquerque, Albuquerque Albuquerque, Albuquerque Albuquerque, Albuquerque Albuquerque, Albuquerque I said "A" (A) "L" (L) "B" (B) "U" (U) "querque" (querque) Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque Albuquerque Other Weird Al Yankovic lyrics: Achy Breaky Song lyrics Addicted To Spuds lyrics Airline Amy lyrics Alimony lyrics Attack Of The Radioactive Hamsters From A Planet Near Mars lyrics Baby Got Jack lyrics Baby Likes Burping lyrics Belvedere Cruising lyrics Bohemian Polka lyrics Born To Be Mild lyrics Cable TV lyrics Cheerios, Apple Jacks, Cheerios lyrics Chicken Pot Pie lyrics Christmas At Ground Zero lyrics Christmas Memories Of "Weird Al" Yankovic lyrics Crampton Comes Alive lyrics Dare To Be Stupid lyrics Dead Car Battery Blues lyrics Dr. Demento Radio Promo lyrics Dr. Demento's 15th Anniversary Special lyrics Eat It lyrics Everything You Know Is Wrong lyrics Fast Food lyrics Fat lyrics Fatter lyrics Flatbush Avenue lyrics Frank's 2000" TV lyrics Free Delivery lyrics Gandhi II lyrics Gee, I'm A Nerd lyrics Generic Blues lyrics George Of The Jungle lyrics Germs lyrics Girls Just Want To Have Lunch lyrics Good Old Days lyrics Gotta Boogie lyrics Gravy On You lyrics Green Eggs And Ham lyrics Happy Birthday lyrics Harvey The Wonder Hamster lyrics Headline News lyrics Hit Me With A Rock lyrics Holiday Greetings 1987 lyrics Holiday Greetings 1988 lyrics I Can't Watch This lyrics I Love Rocky Road lyrics I Think I'm A Clone Now lyrics I Want A New Duck lyrics I Was Only Kidding lyrics I'll Repair For You ( A Theme For Home Improvement ) lyrics I'm So Sick Of You lyrics If I Could Make Love To A Bottle lyrics Isle Thing lyrics It's All About The Pentiums lyrics It's Still Billy Joel To Me lyrics Jerry Springer lyrics Jurassic Park lyrics Kidstar 1250 Radio Promotion lyrics Lasagna lyrics Laundry Day lyrics Leisure Suit Serenade lyrics Let Me Be Your Hog lyrics Like A Surgeon lyrics Livin' In The Fridge lyrics Matter Of Crust lyrics Melanie lyrics Money For Nothing/Beverly Hillbillies lyrics Mr. Frump In The Iron Lung lyrics My Baby's In Love With Eddie Vedder lyrics My Bologna lyrics Never Met A Person As Wonderful As Me lyrics Nobody Here But Us Frogs lyrics One More Minute lyrics Pacman lyrics Polka Patterns lyrics Polka Power! lyrics Polka Your Eyes Out lyrics Polkamon lyrics Pretty Fly For A Rabbi lyrics RealRadio 104.1 lyrics Ricky lyrics School Cafeteria - Version 1 lyrics School Cafeteria - Version 2 lyrics She Drives Like Crazy lyrics She Never Told Me She Was A Mime lyrics Slime Creatures From Outer Space lyrics Smells Like Nirvana lyrics Snack All Night lyrics Sometimes You Feel Like A Nut lyrics Spam lyrics Spatula City lyrics Stuck In A Closet With Vanna White lyrics Taco Grande lyrics Take Me Down lyrics Take Me To The Liver lyrics Take The "L" Out Of Liver lyrics Talk Soup lyrics The Ballad Of Kent Marlow lyrics The Biggest Ball Of Twine In Minnesota lyrics The Hot Rocks Polka lyrics The Night Santa Went Crazy (Extra Gory) lyrics The Plumbing Song lyrics The Saga Begins lyrics The Weird Al Show Theme lyrics The White Stuff lyrics This Is The Life lyrics (This Song's Just) Six Words Long lyrics Traffic Jam lyrics Trigger Happy lyrics Truck Drivin' Song lyrics Twister lyrics UHF lyrics Ugly Girl lyrics Velvet Elvis lyrics Waffle King lyrics We Got The Beef lyrics Weenie In A Bottle lyrics When I Was Your Age lyrics Won't Eat Prunes Again lyrics Yoda Chant lyrics You Don't Love Me Anymore lyrics You Don't Take Your Showers lyrics You Make Me lyrics Young, Dumb & Ugly lyrics Your Horoscope For Today lyrics food medley as performed in 1985 - 01 lyrics food medley as performed in 1985 - 02 lyrics food medley as performed in 1985 - 03 lyrics food medley as performed in 1985 - 04 lyrics food medley as performed in 1985 - 05 lyrics food medley as performed in 1985 - 06 lyrics food medley as performed in 1985 - 07 lyrics food medley as performed in 1985 - 08 lyrics food medley as performed in 1985 - 09 lyrics food medley as performed in 1985 - 10 lyrics food medley as performed in 1985 - 11 lyrics food medley as performed in 1985 - 12 lyrics Amish Paradise lyrics Everything You Do Is Wrong lyrics Cavity Search lyrics Callin' In Sick lyrics Gump lyrics Syndicated Inc. lyrics I'm Sick Of You lyrics I Remember Larry lyrics Phony Calls lyrics The Night Santa Went Crazy lyrics Since You've Been Gone lyrics The Alternative Polka lyrics |